BY JOVE!

I AM FAT

I am.

After my most recent weigh in during my company’s annual medical check-up, the lady doctor told me that for my age, height and body type, I am 25 lbs overweight.

She also told me that I should try to lose at least 15 lbs for starters.

Aside from the expert diagnosis that I am not slim, I asked the kind doctor about the other aspects of my health.

My heart is doing okay.

My eyes, ears and throat are still good. (Nose, not quite, there’s something “unequal” inside it, and that’s another story)

After all the required tests, the internal organs are functioning quite alright too, she said.

But yes, during the tests, I looked and sounded concerned about my over-all health. The concern was quite evident because the doctor told me that I should relax, and just focus on my only problem for now: my weight.

Weight is the weight of the problem.

Imagine, I have no serious illness, but my face registered a reaction that is usually seen on people who found out something tragic or deadly. I guess my reaction was so obvious, the doctor made an effort to comfort me. I remember her telling me that I shouldn’t feel bad because I’m not dying, that I am relatively healthy, and may be in the pink of health, once those extra lbs are gone.

Yup. Let me repeat it, weight is the weight of MY (health) problem. I accept it.

Minsan napapailing na lang ako.

When I look for file video/footage of past stories for my present time reports, it is inevitable for me to see my old self. From 1996 until 1999, that’s the period of my “old self”. Old self: being the “payatot reporter” doing the rounds in various beats as a roving reporter. I cringe when I see my old self. Parang hindi kumakain, pero ang alam ko kumakain ako ng husto nuon. Matakaw nga e. I remember hearing comments back then, “magpataba ka naman, you don’t look credible on TV…”. I remember wishing to grow bigger and trying really hard to add more lbs. I tried everything.

Funny thing is, same same lang ang anxiety nuon at ngayon. Old and new self.
My new self: added lbs. I am no longer slim. I went from plump, to chub to fat. And you know what? Same as my “old self”, I still wish for something nowadays. I wish to lose the unwanted fats. And just like when I was slim, I tried everything.

Went to the gym? Yes. I remember in 2002-2003, I was assigned to cover the senate, it meant a more regular schedule that allowed me to go to the gym regularly. And I did. Hinahatid pa ako ng crew ko sa Gold’s Gym in Makati. If others hit the gym three times a week, I went five times a week. I know I lost weight that time, and the good thing was, nabawasan ang hingal ko. My crew continued encouraging me, hindi rin sila madamot sa papuri. They made sure I knew I was doing great, that I was losing weight and my belly was shrinking. (Come to think of it, some of my friends who kept nagging me about my weight, were never as supportive of my aim during those gym times, I don’t remember hearing them notice the reduction.)

Then, I was assigned to cover Malacanang again. The schedule was less regular and most of the time, it actually eats up my time, umaabot ang coverage ko until past 9pm. No more gym. The nagging of some friends became severe, I really hated it. To spite them, I even secretly enrolled in a “secret” gym. I told myself, why should I gym “for them”? Ginawa ko yun para sa sarili ko. Bakit para sa kanila? Mali naman iyun. But the irregular visits to the gym proved ineffective. Walang nangyari. Pati gana ko mag gym nawala.

Diet? The hardest. But I tried. People close to me have no idea that before December, after I returned from the European assignment and discovered that I lost weight and I felt better and should continue with the momentum— I tried to diet. An unhealthy diet. I only ate one square meal per day on weekdays. I cut down on soda (my addiction) by drinking juices and water at home, sa labas lang ako umiinom ng Coke light (dati sa bahay o labas ng bahay, Coke at coke lang). Did my friends notice? My crew did, they were the ones who noticed it, mainly because hindi ako sumasabay sa kanila kumain. I also tried eating salads only. Suki ng Wendy’s and KFC sa green leafy salads. Luther kept asking me back then, bakit ang hilig ko sa dahon. Di ko lang masabi, pinipilit ko lang sarili ko. In fairness, I actually liked the salad diet kalaunan.

But stress and personal problems last November made me slide back to my old habits. Tapos December pa, Christmas season. Ang daming temptation. Ang dami!

I am just thankful that even if I slid back to my old habits, I have yet to reach the state of my body fats during the middle of this year. I know my weight, I had my last weigh in late last month and I am less heavy now than I was during the summer to June months. Of course, I should avoid sliding back to that state, at all cost.

Para na nga ako sira ulo eh. If people will look at my laptop, I have a folder of solo pics there para ma record ang katabaan ko sa iba’t ibang periods. (Talk about friends who tell you how fat you are by even showing snapshots of you on their celfones. No thanks, I take snapshots of myself for reality checks. And I do it exactly because I don’t want friends nagging me about it.)

You see I get hurt when strangers tell me na “ang taba mo”. But I don’t take it against them. They don’t know my story. But I take offense when friends tell me the same thing and then adds the phrase “we care kasi”, in the end of their hurtful remarks. Between friends, and I mean real friends, we know and feel who and what is sincere and not. We know. I know.

What is hurting about it, when friends do that, is the fact that if a non partisan judge or investigator steps in on that hurtful conversation and asks the concerned friends if they actually know the state of health, the efforts exerted, the pain, the hurt, the struggle, the actual instances surrounding the weight problem of the friend they are worried about: sigurado, HINDI NILA ALAM. (Which only means, they are not really concerned, right? Because if they are really concerned, then they should have been with me in every step, tama ba?)

My point is, before anyone tells someone that he or she is fat and later on declares that they are doing so because they are being good friends, they should first examine how good a friend they have been.

Because good friends, aside from accepting a friend pound per pound, shouldn’t only be friends that use their mouths to simply state the obvious, BUT actually know the weight of the problem.

Next time, stop saying how a friend looks like. Ask your friend how he actually feels.

That’s what concern really is.

That’s what real friendship should be about.

+++

Now if my dear friends are really concerned about my health, here’s an update.

I am still fat.

I have a weight problem.

I can’t help eating now, it is Christmas time.

Yes, I am bent on doing something about it after the holidays.

Now about the other aspects of my health, thanks for asking, I am okay, mabuti at karamihan sa kaibigan nung college ay mga duktor na. They are always bothered by yours truly kahit katiting na sakit.

What is more proper?

To ask: “Okay ba ang health mo, ano ang dapat nating gawin?”

Or to declare: “Ang taba mo!” (?)

Tact is a good test to find out real intent.

Be tactful around fat people like me.

Because if you feel uncomfortable about the way we look, just bear in mind that we are the ones living that uncomfortable life.

(I know that this entry seems like a reaction to a personal incident, but I decided to publish it or make it public because I am aware that a lot of people are in the same situation. This entry is for those with weight problems… and his or her friends. Fat or slim, let us all strive to be healthy.) Street Fighter hd download More to Love movie